But I Messed Up ...

The words appeared, deep within there was hurt and pain, a glance back at that day’s events pushed a hint of guilt within my heart. I followed it. Did I acted rightfully? Things seemed pretty well, but at the same time I seemed to have messed it up. Ending up hurting someone i care for deeply. So deeply that i just couldn’t bare to have been careless to his feelings.

So i turned my back to the computer and went to the corner. It was a hot summer night and it felt like being within a sauna, small drops of sweat where growing on my forehead, not being able to figure out what to do after messing up. I pulled my legs closser and hugged them tightly i could feel the heat on my face and the drops falling slowly from my forehead onto my knees while i slowly went into the dark corner of myself.

Feeling alone, lost, confused and ashamed, after letting a friend down, someone special, leaving him behind, hours back it seemed like he wasn’t up for it, but i didn’t double checked. I should’ve though. My thoughts started hitting on me as i set sail through the dark waters of my own self. Realizing how terrible it feels when u hurt someone you care for so deeply.

Wanting to relieve the pain, the hurt that has been caused. However not knowing how, and feeling desperate within, while being stunned outside, being so far from each other that u can’t touch, and knowing that the willingness to make it right is just one sided.

Hurting someone you care and feeling a storm of regret blowing out of rage against yourself within you while feeling the sharp ice-cold sting of rejection when you try to reach for grasp to stick together. You realize there is no we, there’s you and me, separated.

Alone in the steamy dark night i think of you, i try the phone, it won’t let my call through. No answer from the computer either. I want to shout out how sorry i am for having hurt you, for making you feel like your are worthless when you are gold-worth to me. Feeling the growing frustration rise through my spine and boiling into my head, breathing gets harder as i keep on thinking about the situation and his hurt words bounce within my head, how i hurt him, how could i when he ment so much to me? But I did, when I wish I didn’t.

I pull my legs tighter and i hope he’ll forgive me one day and cut the ice cold space that lies between us now, once so close, and now seems like entire countries stand between us, though even if he was close to me he might not want to listen.

I am sorry, I didn’t meant to  hurt you, you are worth so much to me. Are some of the things I just want to tell him, I wish he could hear them and know how bad I feel. That he is a great guy and I’m not perfect, that I made a mistake and ended up hurting him, and hope he could forgive me for what I have done. Silently I start crying. I messed up by hurting a friend … All I had with him seems so far away and I just want to say from the depths of my heart how trully sorry I am …

If I Need Reasons ...

If I need reasons to say I LOVE YOU, I do …

Because since we meet my life took a different spin,

Because every time I get news bout you my heart stops,

‘Cause if they’re good joy fills my body and I’m a wrap of happiness,

‘Cause if they’re bad I wanna be by your side and help them pass through the rough moments.

Because the need to be pretty and gorgeous is not in me no more to feel that way,

‘Cause I know my voice sounds beautiful if you hear it,

‘Cause I know my looks have always something good to your eyes,

‘Cause perfect is a state of the natural soul, not of flawless look and crystal behavior.

Because time is just an opportunity to enjoy life,

‘Cause if we’re together it’s a couple moment to enjoy but it’s not my only joyful moment,

‘Cause if we’re not together life is worth living because people like that exist and I’ve understood that every moment is a unique chance to be happy.

Because I am not expecting a soft and easy life,

‘Cause when good times are for us, we will be happy,

‘Cause when fun knocks our door, we shall laugh,

‘Cause when rough times are ahead, we will stick together,

‘Cause when sadness wraps around us, we find comfort within,

‘Cause when we’re separated, we are complete on our own,

‘Cause when we’re together, we crystalize with each other.

Because I accept you as you are,

‘Cause perfection doesn’t exist naturally, but you are naturally the best I’ve had,

‘Cause I know we’re not eternal, but the moments with you are something worth living,

‘Cause you’re not the best looking around, but to me nobody matches up to you,

‘Cause you’re not the best singer around, but to me a song from your heart is heaven,

‘Cause you have flaws and they help me notice you’re a human,

‘Cause you have gifts and they help me notice how wonderful you are.

Because my life got a beating reason,

‘Cause you’re not the reason I live, however u helped me find many reasons to,

‘Cause couples come and go, however you’ve shown me a beautiful side of life,

‘Cause love is not suffering if our time ends, but to be thankful for the wonders we lived together,

‘Cause I sparkle when we’re together, not because of who you are, but because of the side of me I found while being with you.

If you need more reasons, please let me know, there are millions I could just write you down, but the main reason for me to love you is because I do, because I know you and I choose to love you.

Happened Under The Rainfall

Suddenly the roar from the skies falls down onto the earth and smashes into it with a flash, little drops start falling down, slowly caressing the fresh air as they come down to gently stay on the leaf of a rose, there it waits till the rest arrive behind and they start covering everything in the garden with a wet cloak, caressing softly the surface where they landed, they begin to assemble and then they slide down the rose’s stem, slowly, heavily, graciously. 

The wind starts blowing and moving the little leaves that hang on the trees, drops fall down faster, faster, their speed increasing, leaving behind the softness that they had before, the breeze is gone, and now the rain has began, the subtle mist disappears and the drops starts hitting on the windows on the doors the sound turning up, getting noisier, the cold breeze starts sliding everywhere the wind blows ferociously tossing away the drops of rain after slapping the surfaces. I stare at the once soft and gentle mist that covers the garden and the surroundings; everything seemed so peaceful and sweet.

The skies then turn from the light grey to a darker one, touches of brown start appearing on the high skies as the rain hits the garden and soaks it while the roars up above becomes louder and more frequent, the lightings crossing across the darkened sky, the clouds barely watchable unless a lightning went close their way. Outside in the street people start running, a little boy’s cries are mixed with the sound of the thunders and the rain. I move away from the garden’s view and watch through the street window across from it, the picture seems to have turned more aggressive.

A heavy thunder cuts all sound and a lightning, bright and shine, appears clearly before everyone’s eyes, showing all its might to the speechless viewers, then the wind turns around aggressively and shakes the trees carrying away some of their leaves, papers fly up carried by the invisible arms of the winds, the sound of the tree’s leaves holding tight and being forcefully shaken away rolls around the whole place, not staying behind the rain starts falling down harder, faster, taking down some of the leaves that were holding on, the cold starts chilling under the covers the garden starts getting smashed down by the furious rain, that rapidly turns from a rain into a storm and washes away the little roses and the daisies alike, flooding the entire garden. 

Cars start driving faster, speed increasing everywhere as they move down the wet streets looking at the rivers that have started to run at both sides, lightings multiply and thunders swallow silence, the doors of those who didn’t locked them start banging harshly against their frames. Screams come to my ears as the banging gets harder, I start getting a chill running through my spine with all the heavy banging. 

Some crashes cut through the  natures wrath, glassless windows are lamely banging against their frames as some of the people indoors let out a frightened scream, those unfastened windows start banging  all over the place, the earth starts to shake under our feet, we look up and the lamps starts circling around on the celling, some of the furniture creak next to the wall, crashing sounds run all over the streets, then it all goes dark, just some thunders but no lightning, the  storm seems to yield some space and the sound of the trees becomes mute, slowly it seems that everything is going back into place, very slowly, the lamps are still moving, very, very softly.

A curious head pops out and there’s a soaking wet street covered in papers, leaves and shattered glass. The rain has stopped and the wind has calmed itself, the earth stays still and the gray skies stand there above everyone's head, calm and resolute. Nature’s might was shown, quickly and briefly but still the damages were noticeable, standing there we look around realizing how it’s not us who are the rulers of the earth, but it’s the earth whom decides for how long we stall stand.

Hold On

It was all dark, so cold, so foggy, I could do anything in life, people said I had the potential and yet I just wanted to end it quickly, wanted to sleep and don’t wake up, and then you came along, and brought light to shine through my days, sparkles that would fill my nights and a hope to feel your warmth. 

We never met face to face, but very few people knew me so deeply like you do, you came into my life and love was a promise closer to my grasp, and joy filled my existence when I a small thought of you crossed through my mind, just like that a parade of hopes, dreams and happiness came towards me, I’m not really sure how it happened but I can tell you that I love you, so very much that I plan to cut the distance between us so much that our skins can touch and our lips can meet.

But suddenly this dark cloud has surrounded my dream of hope and the despair of not being close to you is consuming me, all I want to do is stay by your side and hold your hand through this rough moments, life may put a puzzle or two in our way but I want to have the chance to meet you and it seems raw and rough, yes, I must admit that it hurts, not the fact that you might be gone, no, it hurts the fact that you are all alone, that I can’t be with you, that right now you have to fight back to stay here and I am so far away, I want to be with you, holding your arm and walking along, giving you my strength and courage to face things up, because a brighter future awaits us that I’m sure of.

With this threat of ending all the dreams and hopes I just don’t think I want to keep going, not through the same path, my heart seemed to start beating when we met and now you might be taken away from my arms without even been there, it hurts so badly, the distant future without you seems so gray, so cold and I just don’t want to be there if you are not with me in the picture, it might be just a silly dream some may say but I’m a dreamer, but, what would become of a dreamer if you take the only thing that moves him day  after day?

I refuse to let go of your hold, your firm squeeze, that dream we’ve planned together, I will pursue it, I’ve felt that I found where I belong and it’s by your side, with you, laughing with you, taking care of you, smiling with you and facing the rough times with you, all I can say is that I won’t give up, because I’m too stubborn to let go, some people advice is just to accept things, but no I won’t, you have my spirit by your side, don’t give up now, times are hard, but you have all my support I wish I could do something else, but other than giving you my entire heart and soul, I have no idea what I can do.

Please hold on, stay strong, we shall move on forward to a day after day smiles and to a close future where we shall be together and happy just don’t give up, our moment is coming closer, we will finally be  together and I want to spend those joyful moments by your side.

Oh! Please keep holding on! I know it may seem strange and it may even be selfish for me to ask this but I just don’t know what would become of me if I must face an entire life without you, just knowing that you were there, having your smile only on my imagination, no, I want to be with you because you make my life sparkle with hope and because I know that you smile when you think about me.

So for both of us please hold on, I’m doing my best to run by your side as soon as I can, so we can be together. God, I do love you, I pray the lord to give us a chance because this magic we’ve found it’s beautiful and I just want to hold your hand and look into your eyes and say that I’m thankful because you saved my soul and that I love you like I didn’t thought I could.

So hold on because I’m on my way, so that we can be on our way… to become us … Eternally yours …

Finally...

Finally it arrives a hard storm blew roughly on my shoulders, stones crushed my back, my hands are shaking from the effort of holding on when everything seemed slippery and un certain. I look up, feel the cold breeze on my face and I realize the worst has passed.

I press my hands against the rough floor and push to slowly get up, my moves are slow as I am tired after such an endurance test. I'm stronger that I know, my mind has been tested several times and I stood up growing up becoming wiser, smarter, better not perfect. However now I don't care about being perfect I want to be me and the best me I can be.

It's time to rise again and stand up strong and proud, yes I can still improve but this journey has given me a better self to work with, I got different abilities and I will use them, I went out to grow and I did.

My eyes look into the horizon and I see the sun rising before me. It's time for rewards, it's time to see a little of the world that waits for me.

Lying ahead my destiny shines bright, I take a good look at it while standing right and strong. I take a deep breath and feel the air inside me. Then proudly and confident I take a first step into the land ahead feeling the warmth of the sun above covering it all in glorious gold. I keep walking to my gold and bright future ...