But I Messed Up ...

The words appeared, deep within there was hurt and pain, a glance back at that day’s events pushed a hint of guilt within my heart. I followed it. Did I acted rightfully? Things seemed pretty well, but at the same time I seemed to have messed it up. Ending up hurting someone i care for deeply. So deeply that i just couldn’t bare to have been careless to his feelings.

So i turned my back to the computer and went to the corner. It was a hot summer night and it felt like being within a sauna, small drops of sweat where growing on my forehead, not being able to figure out what to do after messing up. I pulled my legs closser and hugged them tightly i could feel the heat on my face and the drops falling slowly from my forehead onto my knees while i slowly went into the dark corner of myself.

Feeling alone, lost, confused and ashamed, after letting a friend down, someone special, leaving him behind, hours back it seemed like he wasn’t up for it, but i didn’t double checked. I should’ve though. My thoughts started hitting on me as i set sail through the dark waters of my own self. Realizing how terrible it feels when u hurt someone you care for so deeply.

Wanting to relieve the pain, the hurt that has been caused. However not knowing how, and feeling desperate within, while being stunned outside, being so far from each other that u can’t touch, and knowing that the willingness to make it right is just one sided.

Hurting someone you care and feeling a storm of regret blowing out of rage against yourself within you while feeling the sharp ice-cold sting of rejection when you try to reach for grasp to stick together. You realize there is no we, there’s you and me, separated.

Alone in the steamy dark night i think of you, i try the phone, it won’t let my call through. No answer from the computer either. I want to shout out how sorry i am for having hurt you, for making you feel like your are worthless when you are gold-worth to me. Feeling the growing frustration rise through my spine and boiling into my head, breathing gets harder as i keep on thinking about the situation and his hurt words bounce within my head, how i hurt him, how could i when he ment so much to me? But I did, when I wish I didn’t.

I pull my legs tighter and i hope he’ll forgive me one day and cut the ice cold space that lies between us now, once so close, and now seems like entire countries stand between us, though even if he was close to me he might not want to listen.

I am sorry, I didn’t meant to  hurt you, you are worth so much to me. Are some of the things I just want to tell him, I wish he could hear them and know how bad I feel. That he is a great guy and I’m not perfect, that I made a mistake and ended up hurting him, and hope he could forgive me for what I have done. Silently I start crying. I messed up by hurting a friend … All I had with him seems so far away and I just want to say from the depths of my heart how trully sorry I am …